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Today's edition gives you some quick ways to know when keeping quiet is the best strategy. There is psychological research to suggest that most folks have difficulty with silence. When someone does not speak as quickly as we would like them to when we think it is their turn, we actually have a tendency to fill in the space. We are uncomfortable with silence. As you can imagine, at those times we are likely to fill in the blanks with less than useful verbiage. There is wisdom in knowing when not to speak. On the other hand, some folks use 'the silent treatment' as a tactic for getting their own way. Dirty pool!

• Improving Your Work Life - There Is A Good Time To Shut Up!
• Inspiring Words for Your Post-It™ Notes
• Improving Your Life - The Garden Of Your Mind
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One day I was teaching one of my communication courses and a couple came to participate together. About an hour into the class as we were discussing 'withholding', the husband asked about 'the silent treatment'. He said it was a common thing in his marriage. His wife would retreat into silence. I asked, "How long?" thinking that it was a matter of hours. His answer, "Three weeks." floored me completely. Imagine what was lacking in their marriage that they could go that long without speaking. Needless to ask if there were other things they were also going without! Uncovering what was actually happening with them in a private session later, it was clear that the wife had great anger and resentment towards her husband. There were so many issues that had created the cold war. We need to improve our communication skills to improve our relationships. That's why we offer teleseminars. You can learn right on the phone from wherever you happen to be—at home, at work or somewhere between. Have a look at these ones for August at www.OptimizeInstitute.com/teleseminars/index.htm There is no faster, more efficient way to acquire specific skills than one of these crash courses.

Big News! My book, Wrestling Rhinos: Conquering Conflict in the Wilds of Work, was just purchased by a Russian publisher for translation and sale in Russia. This is so exciting! Now the book will be in China, Taiwan and Russia. I'm very happy with that, as it's only been out for nine months. Do you have your copy? You can order one online at www.OptimizeInstitute.com/shop/index.htm

Are you having a conference, a retreat or a need for training? I'd like to meet you and your staff to work with you to build positive, high-performance teams with the confidence, confidence and competence to manage communication, conflict, anger and negotiation effectively. Call us at 858.735.8686 or email us at info@OptimizeInstitute.com and let's talk. If you have specific workplace-related questions, you can submit them at www.askRhoberta.com

Let's talk soon.
I wish you well.

Rhoberta

Rhoberta Shaler, PhD
CEO & President, Optimize! Institute™
Escondido, CA
www.OptimizeInstitute.com

IMPROVING YOUR WORKLIFE:

There Is A Good Time To Shut Up!
© Rhoberta Shaler, PhD
www.OptimizeInstitute.com

No, I'm not advocating the silent treatment! That is just wrong--a control tactic for people with poor communication skills. The silent treatment eliminates any hope of collaboration or co-creation while creating hard feelings that last and last. It is, though, very important to know when to shut up—to end the conversation before things get worse.

There is a major difference between intelligent silence and learned unresponsiveness. Many people shut down as a noncommittal way of handling potentially painful conversations. For instance, if I admit to using the postage meter for my personal correspondence, I might get yelled at. If I lie, then, I'll feel guilty. If I say nothing, it might blow over, or the supervisor's attention may be drawn to something…preferably someone…else.

The kind of silence we react to most is calculated aggression.

"I refuse to speak when what others want or need from me most is communication."
"I purposefully withhold my part of the conversation and the other person's frustration mounts and he pours smoke from his ears. He's fuming and all I had to do was be quiet."

That is a nasty control tactic that drives people nuts—and drives them away! It has only a very short-term benefit and the potential for long-term problems.

"At work, people may avoid me…but only for as long as they look for a way to get rid of me."

"When I clam up, I can evade myself. I do not have to come to grips with my thoughts, feelings or fears if I do not articulate them."

This can be a personal safety tactic, however, it will stop any progress you may desire in both your personal and workplace relationships. Shyness may factor into this, but it has a cost. A passive approach to the workplace, hoping that people can read your mind, give you what you want and need, or unearth your skills and ideas is no way to advance. If you are waiting to be 'discovered' in this way, you will likely be disappointed. That could cause you to fume internally and make yourself sick and miserable.

So, what to do? How do you know when to fall silent for the good of all? How do you tell what silence means when you are faced with it? It is not wise to decide what another person's silence means. It can be difficult to find out, however, you must persist if the relationship has value or must be preserved.

There are two kinds of silence, the result of 'shut down' or 'shut up':

'Shut down' occurs when a person closes up, refuses to communicate and/or turns within. It can come from fear, concern, a desire to control or, simply, lack of communication skills, confidence or ideas.

'Shut up' is having the wisdom to keep the mouth closed when opening it would cause more problems than it would solve. In all cases, before you 'shut up', clearly let the other person know why you are choosing to do so at that time. It is up to you to distinguish for your communication partner(s) that you are exercising wisdom in managing your communication and to tell them what you will do next to further the relationship and the discussion.

WHAT TO DO IN THE FACE OF 'SHUT DOWN':

1. Ask a question that cannot be answered with a yes or no.
2. Leave ample time for him or her to answer. People have different processing times.
3. Be and look approachable, interested and ready to listen.
4. Give the silence a name, e.g., "I'm not sure what your silence means. Please tell me."
5. Do not allow the time together to end without a response from 'the Clam'.*
6. Ask straight out, "Are you concerned about how I might react to your thoughts or behavior?" or "Am I wrong in assuming you are uncomfortable talking about this situation?"
7. If the issue is important, be clear that it must be talked through now or at a date you will set in the near future. It is NOT going away.

WHEN TO 'SHUT UP' FOR THE GOOD OF ALL…PARTICULARLY YOURSELF.

1. If you're not sure of your facts, shut up.
2. If you are waiting for more facts that will influence the situation, shut up.
3. If the other person is already raising their voice, shut up.
4. If you are so angry you could spit, shut up.
5. If there is not enough time to talk something through, shut up now & make an appointment to talk.
6. If you cannot trust yourself to speak civilly, shut up.
7. If you have nothing sensible to say, shut up.

Remember, though, it is important to communicate your reasons before you shut up. That makes all the difference. It is pro-active, intelligent and thoughtful.

There is wisdom in knowing when to speak and when not to. Shutting down is not a strength; shutting up certainly can be. Know the difference and be wise. There is a good time to shut up!

* Learn much more about managing the behavior of those who shut down, the 'clams', in Robert M. Bramson's excellent book, 'Coping with Difficult People.'

© Rhoberta Shaler, PhD
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Dr. Rhoberta Shaler solves 'people problems' by making it easier to talk about difficult things. Dr. Shaler speaks to, trains and coaches executives and entrepreneurs worldwide in the communication skills essential to creating powerful conversations that reduce conflict & anger, build trust, and streamline negotiation. She is the Founder and CEO of the Optimize! Institute in Escondido, CA and author of Wrestling Rhinos: Conquering Conflict in the Wilds of Work. www.OptimizeInstitute.com for newsletter, teleseminars & upcoming programs.

This article may be reprinted or republished if the complete copyright/resource information is kept intact. For a formatted version for print, email info@optimizeinstitute.com

IMPROVING YOUR LIFE:

The Garden Of Your Mind
by Rhoberta Shaler, PhD

If you think of your mind as a garden, what have you planted? You know what's planted there by what's growing!

If seeds of doubt are planted, life may seem uncertain. The harvest may include questions such as "Do I deserve to get what I want in life?", or "Can I succeed?" or "Will I ever be good enough?" These seeds can be planted very early in life without our consent however, once you find them they must be made into compost! If you find these weeds popping up, dig down to extricate the roots completely. Even after doing this, you may find tiny shoots still. They are hardy plants. Weed often. As you remove each weed, remind yourself that you deserve a beautiful, productive, well-balanced garden.

If you find that your 'garden' is overcrowded and little grows well, you may need to transplant some items to your nursery bed and save them for another season. Simply look at the size of your garden plot right now. What are the most important 'crops' right now? Perhaps you have small children who need attention. You may have to save the 'I should write a book' seeds for another time. When you look at the garden and see that it is unbalanced, be ruthless. Look at the needs of the seeds you want to grow and make room for only those. Save the others for another season. What do you need to transplant?

If a plant has completely overshadowed the entire garden, it may need pruning. This sometimes happens when that one plant is receiving all the nutrients, time and attention. Others cannot flourish unless they were planted because they prefer shade. Are there some seeds in your garden that cannot grow because they need more light? You may have to prune that one big tree! Yes, you likely can make a great case for keeping it. Of course you can because that's where you have been putting so much fertilizer for so long and you just know you were doing the right thing. What's shriveling from the lack of the sunlight of your attention? Prune!

Do you regularly visit other gardens to stimulate your imagination, or to verify your choices? It's wise to do this. Spending all your time in your own garden is limiting. You learn very little and your garden seems so very big. Expand your thinking. See what others are planting and the effects. A new plant may be just what your garden needs for beauty, balance or new growth.

Check your garden for slugs. They are attracted to conditions of dampness and coolness. They feed on decaying plant matter. Do you have any slugs in the garden of your mind? If you are focused on what is wrong with things, on what is not happening, on negative judgments about yourself and others, these could well be 'slugs' for you. As with real slugs, the first step is to eliminate places where they can hide. Dark places where sunlight cannot reach. They need to be handpicked off. Draw them out in the dark, put them in soapy water and throw them on the compost. Slugs have no redeeming features. They take away valuable much time and draw much negative attention. Remove all slugs and set up barriers to keep them out so you never have to deal with them again.

Your life, just like your garden, is never balanced but always balancing.

Be a master gardener!

© Rhoberta Shaler, PhD All rights reserved.
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Dr. Rhoberta Shaler solves 'people problems' by making it easier to talk about difficult things. Dr. Shaler speaks to, trains and coaches executives and entrepreneurs worldwide in the communication skills essential to creating powerful conversations that reduce conflict & anger, build trust, and streamline negotiation. She is the Founder and CEO of the Optimize! Institute in Escondido, CA and author of Wrestling Rhinos: Conquering Conflict in the Wilds of Work. www.OptimizeInstitute.com for newsletter, teleseminars & upcoming programs

This article may be reprinted or republished if the complete copyright/resource information is kept intact. For a formatted version for print, email info@optimizeinstitute.com