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Delivery Date: April 6 2005

Dear Subscriber,

Welcome to The Rhino Wrestler. We all have ‘those moments’ when we are either someone’s idea of a rhino, or, we’re being charged by a rhino somewhere in our life. As I work more and more with teaching folks to ‘play nicely together in the company sandbox’, I learn more and more about those rhinos. So, hence…The Rhino Wrestler.

• Improving Your Work Life - When Will the Squabbling Cease?!!
• Inspiring Words for Your Post-It™ Notes
• Improving Your Life - RELATIONSHIPS: Love-centered or Bargain-based?
• Ask Rhoberta - Your Questions Answered
• Upcoming Events with Rhoberta
• Resources & Recommendations from Rhoberta
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More from Rhoberta...

If you live in Vancouver, Calgary, Irvine, Santa Monica or San Diego, I will soon be speaking in your area. Come along! I love meeting my subscribers because you kindly invite me into your computer and I want to know who you are. So, please visit my website and find where I’m speaking. It’s on the homepage on the right. Let’s meet. Also, if you are having an event, invite me to speak. That way we’ll meet for sure! (BTW, I offer a finder’s fee for full price speaking opportunities.)

I want to know what is happening in your world. Your stories, questions or situations are very welcome. (Yes, they will all be kept confidential as to source.) When you share what’s going on in your work situation, others can benefit in two ways: knowing they are not alone, and hearing my thoughts on the matter. Please send your input directly to me at mailto:rhinos@OptimizeInstitute.com As I am returning…albeit slowly…to publishing this newsletter more and more often, I want to include what would be most helpful to you. So, please let’s share the ‘dung’ so we can learn ways to shovel it out rather than under the carpet!

I’m working half-time in Canada just now so travel has become an even more regular part of my life. That has taken some adjustment! Living half-time in San Diego and in Calgary has caused me many moments of ‘Where is it?!!!” A particular file or a particular pair of shoes--it doesn’t matter which—has to be carefully managed to be where I am at any given moment. Then, there is the body. Is there food at both ends of the road? Did I buy salt for Calgary or was that San Diego? Great fun. I’ve learned how to manage it without too much stress but it took a few months. Quite the challenge!

My newest book, Wrestling Rhinos: Conquering Conflict in the Wilds of Work is now available at my website, www.OptimizeInstitute.com …and, it’s right on the front page. Our many affiliates are doing a great job of getting this valuable information out to folks AND making money doing it. If you would like to be one of them, go to www.OptimizeInstitute.com/affil/index.htm It costs you nothing and makes you money. That’s great value to pass along to your website visitors and a good deal for you!

So, we’re back together. Let’s stay that way. I’ll do my part and make sure you receive a Rhino Wrestler at least once a month. Will you do your part and invite all your colleagues to subscribe? That makes the sharing of ideas, insights and solutions so much richer.

Thanks. You’re the best!

Rhoberta

Rhoberta Shaler, PhD
CEO & President, Optimize! Institute™
Escondido, CA
www.OptimizeInstitute.com

IMPROVING YOUR WORKLIFE:

WHEN WILL THE SQUABBLING CEASE?!!!
© Rhoberta Shaler, PhD
www.OptimizeInstitute.com

When will the squabbling cease?!!

They simply won’t agree. It’s almost as though not agreeing is more important than getting anything done. One or two individuals bully the team and those who don’t speak up are trampled. One person believes in her mind that she is ‘in charge’ whether or not her job description vaguely suggests it. Another person sees himself as the eternal obstacle ‘just because’. No matter what is suggested, he has an objection. Are these folks hiding out where you work?

Rhinos are too common. Mice are more common. These extremes in the animal world exemplify the extremes in the wilds of work. The rhino charges. The mice scurry. The rhino is irritated by the mice. The mice are terrified of the rhino. Imbalance prevails and no one feels safe at work.

Recently, I was working with a board of a non-profit organization that has been in existence for more than thirty years. As I researched the situation, I found that, historically, every time things are on an upswing in the organization, certain board members get agitated. It seems that they feel powerless when things are going well. Perhaps they feel insignificant. So, they make it their job to rattle cages, sabers and psyches. They create uproar and controversy. This seems to make them feel powerful. They clearly do not have the best interests of the organization at heart. Their involvement is ego-centered and power-based.

Who is keeping your workplace in an uproar? Who rules the roost…even without the key to the executive washroom? Who do people avoid? And, what can you do about it?

First, is it possible that you are the rhino? If so, what are you trying to prove with your fearful behavior? Only fearful or inept people use intimidation and control as tactics to create a sense of power. Powerful people are compassionate and encouraging. They have nothing to prove.

So, if you are the rhino, get some help. Learn some skills. Ask for feedback…and, maybe forgiveness if necessary. Last week I was talking with a coaching client who is a top executive. From the privacy of her office to my ear on the phone, she said,

“I have been very successful in management. I am competent and confident. What I want help with is that I know that I come across as totally unapproachable. Clearly, I want to be respected and have my directions followed, however, I want people to know me as I am. Away from work, I am a loving, laughing human being.”

As we worked together that day, she made it very apparent to me the pain that being a rhino was causing her. For years, she had carefully constructed the walls at work in order to be taken seriously. Thirty years ago, working in a male-dominated industry, this might have been a necessary strategy. Now, it is not. I applauded her for her awareness and courage. Learning new skills after so many years is a brave and remarkable undertaking. If you need new skills, get them. It’s your life that is going by and I bet, down deep, you are not very happy in your rhino lair waiting for an unsuspecting mouse to trample.

If you are the mouse, it is time to learn the skills to roar. As you do that, your size will increase and your self-esteem, too. It is never too late to learn how to speak up. My mission statement is ‘to help people worldwide communicate in ways that are totally kind and totally honest at the same time.’ You can learn those skills, too. You need to find your voice and use it in a respectful, clear way.

Who is getting hurt most when you are avoiding rhinos? You, of course. The rhino gets all he or she wants and you run from the noise. You are working there because you have skills. Let your voice be heard. Giving a keynote speech the other day, an audience member asked me,
      “ It sounds so simple when you tell us to get skills and speak up. How do I start…and, will it hurt?” Although everyone laughed at the last part, it was a very real issue. This is a lifestyle change. First, you must believe that your ideas, insights and perspectives are deserving of notice. I’ll lay money on the fact that you’ve expressed those exact thoughts to your friends or family at the end of a bad day, right?

     “I’ve got great ideas. I could run this department in my sleep. Why doesn’t anyone take any notice of me?” You are likely right, however, there is only one person who can speak up for you and that’s you. What’s true in life is that you only really get what you are willing to ask for. Are you willing to ask to be seen, heard and valued?

Of course, there are rhinos squabbling with rhinos. That’s awfully loud, messy and smelly. And, they hope they can force everyone to take a side—theirs. Mice squabble, too. They bite away in tiny chunks daily and natter endlessly. That’s a matter for another time.

A recent study showed that “…up to 42% of an employees time is spent engaging in or resolving conflict.” Learn the skills that will keep you out of that 42% and on the path to productivity, progress, profitability and peace.

Be a rhino wrestler whether you find that rhino within or roaming around your office. Do your part by not being one!

© Rhoberta Shaler, PhD All rights reserved.
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Dr. Rhoberta Shaler solves 'people problems' at work by making it easier to talk about difficult things. Dr. Shaler speaks to, trains and coaches executives and entrepreneurs worldwide in the communication skills essential to creating powerful conversations that reduce conflict & anger, build trust, and streamline negotiation. She is the founder of the Optimize! Institute in Escondido, CA. www.OptimizeInstitute.com

This article may be reprinted or republished if the complete copyright/resource information is kept in tact. For a formatted version for print, email info@optimizeinstitute.com

IMPROVING YOUR LIFE:

RELATIONSHIPS: Love-centered or Bargain-based?
© Rhoberta Shaler, PhD
www.OptimizeInstitute.com

So, what’s your answer? Is your primary relationship love-centered or bargain-based? Is everything a negotiation, or, is the focus on making life as easy as possible for your partner? It’s a big, very important consideration.

Recently, I was coaching a woman who is steadily and successfully growing her health-care practice. It seems that each time she steps up to take her business to the next level she meets obvious resistance from her husband. She’s willing to take carefully-calculated risks to achieve her goals. He is determined to keep her feeling guilty, uncertain, and, often, small. The husband is saying, “I support you.” and acting “Not in this lifetime!”

Where’s the bargain? I don’t think this is what she signed up for when she married him.

What is a bargain? The dictionary says it is “an agreement between parties settling what each gives or receives in a transaction between them or what course of action or policy each pursues in respect to the other.” The key word here is ‘agreement’. It’s unlikely my client agreed to be second-guessed, put-down and beat up. I’m sure their wedding was the same as most: filled with promises of undying, unwavering love, support and acceptance. What happened?

Their partnership, such as it is, has turned into an eternal negotiation.

“I’ll do this for you if you do this for me.”
“I’ll give up this now if you’ll give that up later.”
“I’ll let that slide if you promise to do the same.”

Or, worse,

“Now that I have you, I’ll do what I like.”
“Well, that was in the heat of the moment, the honeymoon is over.”
“What ever gave you the idea that life was fair?”

And, likely, that eternal bargaining comes with its own unique retribution.

Not long ago, I was giving one of my Optimize! Institute programs on managing conflict. A fellow put up his hand and tentatively asked if it was usual…or even OK…for his wife to simply stop talking to him. I asked the obvious question,
       “For how long?”
       “Two or three weeks,” he replied.
       “No,” I said, “this is not OK and I hope very unusual.” I went on to discuss one of the ways that retribution for not getting what you want in a relationship rears its ugly head. It is called withholding. It happens when one person is unwilling or incapable of communicating honestly and openly. It’s like what kids do—if I can’t have my way, I’m going to hold my breath!

Withholding yourself from your partner is simply dirty pool! That is NOT relationship. If you do not have the skills to express yourself, get some training. If your partner has habitually not listened or erupted into anger,or worse, violence, your partner needs some skills. Something is drastically wrong when withholding is a habitual practice. It is a nasty form of abandonment. Think about it. I can see my partner. I can hear my partner. But, I cannot reach my partner in any way. This is also not a partnership.

A partner is defined as “one who shares” whether that be in a business, a marriage, a game or a turn around the dance floor. It is impossible to share when one is not engaging with you in any way. That does not ‘drive a hard bargain’, rather, it ends the possibility of a sale!

A love-centered relationship, though, finds each person putting their partner at the top of their priority list. The very definition of ‘home’ is where your partner is. The preferred place to be is near your partner. The preferred conversation is with your partner. Your preferred recreation involves your partner. It is a safe place to be where love abounds. Does this sound familiar?

Yes, it is what the great poets and song writers extoll. Have you experienced it? I hope you have. When you have been fortunate enough to truly find love, those songs come alive with meaning rather than just being background necessities for dancing…and what, hopefully, follows.

Love is the most important emotion we have. It expands our hearts, fills our souls and warms us through and through. We see and are seen, hear and are heard. We care deeply about the well-being of the other. This is what partnership is all about and the follow-through is the proof.

Anything less than a love-centered relationship is no bargain!

© Rhoberta Shaler, PhD All rights reserved.
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Dr. Rhoberta Shaler solves 'people problems' at work by making it easier to talk about difficult things. Dr. Shaler speaks to, trains and coaches executives and entrepreneurs worldwide in the communication skills essential to creating powerful conversations that reduce conflict & anger, build trust, and streamline negotiation. She is the founder of the Optimize! Institute in Escondido, CA. www.OptimizeInstitute.com

This article may be reprinted or republished if the complete copyright/resource information is kept in tact. For a formatted version for print, email info@optimizeinstitute.com

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