He’s a bully! It sounds like something
heard on a school playground or attached to gang behavior. Unfortunately,
it is an all too common complaint in the workplace.
When a company hires me, my task often entails managing the bully—the
hostile, aggressive person who is running rampant as a rhino. Recently,
I met one who introduced herself to me in the initial interview as “a
harsh personality who can be hard on people.” My ears perked
up and my jaw likely dropped open at that moment. No, not from the
self-knowledge this woman displayed, but rather from the admission
of her awareness and her complete lack of interest in doing anything
to improve her approach. She was proud of her bully status!
I wondered, too, if she thought that announcing that she was a bully
was a way of giving herself permission to act like one. If you walk
around thinking of yourself as a harsh personality, you’re
very likely to demonstrate it on a regular basis. And, she did.
This woman—let’s call her Leslie—had a few traits
you might recognize. The first day I was in the company she stalked
up to my desk, maintaining eye contact all the way, and demanded:
“What are you going to do about reconfiguring the office?” When
I responded that it was under consideration and would be happening
soon but not that day, she asked once again. Receiving the same answer,
she rolled her eyes and walked away. Over a few weeks of seeing Leslie
roll her eyes, dismiss people with a wave of her hand, hear her backbiting
sarcasm and know-it-all responses, and watching her hostile, aggressive
behavior and its effect on the office, there was no possibility that
the behavior could go unchecked. It was toxic to the productivity
and health of everyone as well as to the profitability of the company.
A problem arose. The owner of the company did not want to fire her
because she brought a unique combination of experience and expertise
to the company. A classic dilemma in small companies! It is all too
frequent that a person with no regard for either co-workers or the
company holds too much information and the boss thinks of them as
indispensable…while holding everyone else hostage. Big mistake!
Consider how much time and energy is lost in this company as this
rhino charges and bullies her way through the day. People would take
a sick day when they had had enough of her overbearing nastiness.
There is only so much folks can take. Productivity suffered. Clients
were lost. The costs of keeping such an individual employed are too
high.
Listening to her with customers, it was not a surprise to learn
that what the owner thought of as her hard-nosed negotiating was
simply bullying. There is a difference.
RECOGNIZING A BULLY
A bully is a person who is habitually cruel to others she deems
to be weaker than herself and uses browbeating language and behavior.
Although we often think of bullies as big people dominating smaller
folks, they are truly little people in every way.
- Their fear of being wrong is demonstrated by being know-it-alls.
They are often condescending, patronizing or dismissive.
- Their
fear of not being able to meet the needs of others causes them
to never want to hear what others think, feel or want.
- Their inability
and unwillingness to control their anger or their tongue causes
them to make everything your fault as it could
not possibly be theirs.
- Paradoxically, their self-esteem is too fragile to handle
the possibility of being wrong.
- Their need to control you demonstrates
their fear of being unable to control themselves.
- Their desire
for power over others comes from the fear of being insignificant.
- Their attempt to boost their own flailing self-esteem is fed
by treating others disrespectfully, thoughtlessly and off-handedly.
- Their fear of others causes them to assault character, focus
on weaknesses and be the poster children for intimidation.
Unfortunately, these are all manifestations of a poor self-image
coupled with lack of self-awareness and people skills.
HANDLING A BULLY
A good beginning when handling a bully is to begin with compassion.
The last thing you may be considering is a compassionate approach.
You truly want to beat him or her over the head with a blunt object
and considerable force! Beginning with an understanding of the inherent
weakness the bully is projecting and its likely causes will help
you manage.
Bullies need to be managed because they cannot manage themselves,
yet, everyone shies away from doing so. They are like errant teenagers
allowed to run wild. No one wants to say no to them because of the
consequences. That’s the operating system of the bully: don’t
cross me or I will make your life miserable. They are miserable and
they want to take everyone down with them.
Bullies appear self-confident, strong and impervious because they
intimidate weaker people. They may even be so blind in their arrogance
that they try to intimidate anyone as Leslie did with me. (That was
not a wise move, Leslie.) If you vacillate, placate or submit to
a bully or respond with fear or rage, she feels her point is proven:
you are inferior and deserve to be abused, taken down or written
off.
You have three choices when working with a bully: quit, get sick
or manage yourself with the bully. Here are some tips:
- Redeem your self-esteem and establish strong boundaries.
That is the only way to gain the respect of a bully.
- Be friendly,
self-confident and calm. Never cower!
- Avoid a clash of wills. Keep
things at the information, not the emotional, level.
- Listen well. Agree with him or her…in part…and put
forward your views clearly.
- Be strong, firm, courteous and assertive.
- Endeavor to get the
bully to consider alternative views while avoiding directly challenging
him or her.
- Be well-prepared before you talk with a bully. Know
your desired outcome of the conversation and stay focused.
- Be willing
to acknowledge when s/he is right. A bully respects your ability
to see his/her strengths.
IF YOU ARE THE MANAGER OF A BULLY….
Step up, show up and speak up. Leslie’s direct manager was
afraid of inciting Leslie’s wrath. She spent her time trying
to make Leslie happy. That is an impossibility. No matter what you
give a bully, they want more. Why? Because what they want is to be
stopped. It sounds paradoxical, doesn’t it? It is, however,
true. The bully cannot stop his or her own behavior because it is
being driven by deep fear. Often, only a resounding wake-up call
from management has any hope of bringing about change.
One major tool a bully uses is making threats. Management has more
clout than bullies; therefore, they have a bigger threat: dismissal.
I have had managers tell me that they are afraid of firing a bully
because s/he will likely cause problems, even sue. Yes, it could
happen but that is something you have to be willing to risk if all
other interventions fail. There are many other people in your company
who are suffering from the bully’s behavior. They count more
than one bully!
As a manager, you must ask yourself how much it is reasonable to
invest in time, energy, resources, interventions, training, mediations,
etc. before risking the threats of a bully about to be fired? Be
pro-active and act as soon as you see bullying behaviors are frequent
or habitual. Hopefully, that is unacceptable in your corporate culture.
Anger, threats, harassment, humiliation and ridicule are the tools
of the workplace bully, just as they are on the playground. Leslie
majored in all four. Her delight was in her ability to intimidate.
Her joy was in having those around her dread the possibility she
would erupt. She felt powerful and, unfortunately, no one was contradicting
her.
If you have a Leslie on your team, be assertive. If you need to
shore up your conflict and anger management skills, do so. The workplace
is no place for a bully. The cost is too high.
© Rhoberta Shaler, PhD
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Dr. Rhoberta Shaler is an integration catalyst helping businesses
prosper and people flourish. She will lead you to optimize the life
of your enterprise and the enterprise of your life. A ‘people
skills’ expert—a noted speaker, author, consultant and
coach—and founder of the Optimize! Institute in Escondido,
CA, Dr. Shaler works with organizations that know their people are
their top resource and with leaders who know that building relationships
is a top priority. She is the author of Wrestling Rhinos: Conquering
Conflict in the Wilds of Work as well as more than a dozen books
and audio programs. Introduce yourself well with her free ebook at
www.Effective-Elevator-Speech.com Learn more about her work and subscribe
to The Rhino Wrestler at www.OptimizeInstitute.com
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